thu 17 jun 1999 12:00:00 — allston ma
no not really
i'm trying to work out in my mind, where to land with this unsettling controversy between me and my beloved. [...] last weekend she returned from a trip and she'd had a nice meeting with her mom, going to a wedding. in the car, her mom had asked her whether she was gay, and getting no to that, asked her whether there was anyone special in her life right now, to which she replied, "no, not really." [...]
what i want to tell her is, i love you, and i'm willing to wait to be your lover, until you're ready to be mine. [...] why should i act like i deserve something, when i know i never deserved any of this? [...] can i afford to even contemplate losing the one perfect miracle that ever happened to me, just because it turns out to be flawed after all? [...]
so maybe the opposite of love is fear.
i am just now beginning to acknowledge that i did make sacrifices to be in this love. i still regard it as a gift, but at the same time i'm beginning to recognize how dearly i have paid for it. being denied makes me feel like a plaything.