thu 20 jun 2002 12:00:00 — allston, ma
finished chautauqua movie
finished documentary "swimming chautauqua" on monday — and back in may i also finished a version of "searching for mister butch."
at some point in the last month, i asked aj if she wanted to settle down with me, get married, have a kid, all that. go domestic. i'd been wondering if that was what was tearing us apart, and since i wanted to stay with her i decided i should be a grownup and remove that obstacle. i think i was accelerated in my feelings by finally getting a divorce from d, which happened 23 april at the courthouse in framingham (?). and by reading nonzero, and seeing things on the evolution tv show.
anyway the effect of asking her that, of telling her the most true thing i ever told anybody, is that my credibility has been damaged. it was, to her, a radical turnabout from how she assumed i felt. even though i'd brought the same subject up last fall sometime. i talked with her more about that yesterday. in any case, it turns out removing that obstacle wasn't what she needed. it hasn't changed her feelings about dumping me. so i need to just get it through my skull that her answer isn't "maybe."
i think i may have been in denial all the way through this slow-motion breakup. we're still very touchy feely, she still loves me etc. i'm inclined to think she's no braver than i am.
nathan h has finally quit working as a bartender at the "big city" altogether, and is now a subway musician again.
iain and paula have moved to jamaica plain. somehow i feel a change in the sociology of the common ground pub.
i've been digitizing old clips of nullstadt music. a guy named andrew o'donnell in campbell california wrote to me and asked if i could get him a copy of "mayday." i only had it on audio cassette, so i borrowed pete's cassette deck and digitized it via dv tape, along with some live show material, wbny radio interview, a clip from band rehearsal etc. that is on a cd called "nullstadt misc." aj got the "flesh" lp digitized for me to a cd, via her friend w.