sat 29 jun 2002 12:00:00 — allston, ma
turning out badly
seems like every time i try to spend time with aj socially it's turning out badly. well maybe not one night last week when i brought her a dvd of the "swimming chautauqua" movie to see. she cried and thought i did good, and made me feel good. but all the other times it's not working out well. [...]
when we got to gloucester there were some crafts booths set up along the shore walk near the fishermen's monument. i bought aj some jewelry stuff from there. got some things for joanne and jenny too. one husband-and-wife vendor team from portland maine was selling dichroic glass jewelry. they made a joke as we were purchasing, something like "of course you're smart, you married him, didn't you?" cuz i was buying her stuff. aj shook her head and said no. i piped in, "i wish she would marry me, but she doesn't want to." when the lady asked her "why are you shaking your head like that?" she said "it's a lot of things." in other words her reasons for not wanting to be with me were too complex to explain right there and then. true enough.
anyway, when we caught up with jenny and joanne at the carnival grounds, we ate carnival food and had a good time. it was a little sad only because the last time i was there i went on the ferris wheel with aj and we kissed. but we were in company, and kinda having a good time, so there wasn't time to dwell on the past. i was actually having a pretty good time up until the second set of the walker creek band playing in the back room of the gloucester house.
[ ... long diatribe about how miserably jealous and dissed i felt when she didn't want to dance with me, but danced with a sexy latino man at the gloucester house during a performance of the walker creek band, in which my brother plays guitar ... sgc ]
the thing i have to keep in mind is that it was i who put myself on a dance floor with her again, fully knowing how it would probably make me feel. i had debated it, vascillated, but in the end decided it would be better to go there and be there for joanne and jenny, rather than tell them it could not happen just because i was uncomfortable with aj.
i had my time in the sun with aj, and it was an awesome blessing while it lasted — and it seems clear that it's time to bow out with what little grace i have left. the way this ends is like this: for much of the time i spent with aj, i delighted in just looking at her. i no longer get pleasure from the sight of her. seeing her is usually an unendurable agony now.