fri 19 jun 2009 04:04:44 witte de withstraat
grumpy w jealousies and imagined betrayals
the other day a woman i know asked me to come to a show of her music, and i said i would probably stay home and do my thing, because i *wanted* to do my thing, and she seemed kinda shocked.
there are often times when the social bond that was created by the music, replaces the value of the music. i don't like it. i go to shows of friends of mine who used to play well, and now frankly they suck, but they don't apologize for being piss-poor musicians in my presence because i'm supposed to be their friend now.
then there's a new woman on the scene, who really is a world class singer songwriter, who used to live here years ago. she's like falling into the same trap, but at the same time i feel like she's taking advantage of the good will of one of my best friends, cuz he's falling for her, and spending a lot of his consciousness on her while she lingers past his bedtime just waiting to go home with somebody else. that kinda pisses me off, but i guess it's because of my loyalty to my friend, and my understanding of what he's about.
then in the same evening there's also the just plain jealousy thing, got some of that almost as soon as i walked in, like with that other girl who was being nice to me and i was being nice to her, but then tonight i'm like why are you leaning on me if you're going home with him? especially because he already has two other girls in his life in addition to you, there just seems something vaguely phony about all that. from her point of view she would just think she was being cordial, right? it's me who assigns weight to her weight as she leans on me. and i'm getting needlessly judgmental. the feeling i have always philosophically opposed. i should grab this and understand it and really feel it again.
i feel kinda "betrayed" by some of my friends. and somehow i think it's not "fair" for me to feel that. "justice" things in my head tonight. sheesh.
the thing about feeling justice, is that you think you're *right*. that's what justice is, the feeling that you're somehow right, because something else is wrong. a few days later you may revise your opinion slightly or radically. i should keep that in mind.
it's 04.13 and the sky is lightening and i just heard the first bird.