mon 02 nov 2009 12:38:12 — witte de withstraat
encountering my beastly nature
i'm convinced that what happened to me over the weekend was mostly animal-chemical. i don't beleive in the value of territorialism. but i'm also not immune to those feelings. feelings i can't justify, but can't deny.
so a strange man comes into my dwelling for sex with a woman, and the next night the same thing happens again, with a different strange man. i'm feeling invaded. but my conscious, logical mind stops me from acting out. i simmer for two days before i can manage to express my feelings. not good. but.
on the rational, civilized level:
my negative reaction is partly because my home is also my workplace, and when i'm trying to work on some mission critical stuff, people having sex in the next room is an annoyance. plus it reminds me that i've been without a lover now for over 7 years. this distracts me from my own purpose.
but on an irrational, purely animal level:
it's all about stranger, the mistrusted alien, coming to take woman in my village. so it makes me feel invaded and unwelcome. i react territorially -- setting off an internal conflict with my more evolved persona, which doesn't value territorialism.
it's different from ordinary jealousy, because the subject is not a woman i personally desire. but then again, why is that? the reason i switched off possible desire for her was because i met her in the context of my friend's desire. so that too, was not an intellectual but an animal choice. i am for some reason loyal to my friend who takes care of me in my pack, and therefore i automatically don't want "his" woman. moreover, when i feel that he is being taken advantage of, i get even more angry. in fact that's what really tripped me off on saturday morning -- i could deal with the home invasion, but when she then phoned my friend asking for a ridiculous favor, i really felt insulted. my tolerance for abuse of my friend is much lower than his own tolerance for abuse. on a beastly brotherly level i feel bound to champion his interests somehow. even though there's not much i can do.
we've always known this: i am an extremely selfish person mentally and emotionally. perhaps i try to compensate for that by being materially generous.